


My Reason / Zalex

by h8tedhannah



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24853558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h8tedhannah/pseuds/h8tedhannah
Summary: “I’ll never forget the feeling of your hands grabbing me, keeping me safe”“I guess that phrase can go more ways than one now”“Yeah.”Zach said, leaning down to kiss Alex’s Forehead.“Just promise me you’ll never let go.”
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Jessica Davis/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. The Black Hole.

tw/ contains attempted suicide 

For the 3rd time this month, Zach was in the same spot. He contemplated the same thing he did last, this time drinking double the vodka. He sighed as the bottle ran empty, setting it down to look over the city. He looked over at his beautiful home town, wondering what each of the few cars scattered on the streets were going. Maybe they were running away, just like him. Or maybe they were high schoolers done with a night partying, or maybe, just like he had done, were going through the worst time of their lives. Maybe not covering up a murder, but maybe something just as traumatic. He sat on the edge of the rooftop of an abandoned building. One he had come to maybe a little too often, but nevertheless it was the only place he came to think. This rooftop had a lot of bad memories; from contemplation of suicide, to throwing up on the people below after hours of drinking and doing drugs. There was one good memory though, well, maybe it wasn’t good; but it wasn’t bad. Zach couldn’t describe it. 

The night he kissed Alex.   
I guess that’s the topic Zachs brain decided to attack him about today. 

Well, not so much the kiss, but Alex in himself. Zach had disappointed him. It hurt, he knew, to see your best friend spiral downwards in the end, slowly digging himself a grave that Zach wouldn’t be able to get out from. In a way, it was like Justin. Justin had a good heart and wanted to be better, but that alone cannot pull you out of your grave. It’s a trapping feeling really, and the drugs and drinks only make you forget about your endless hole you’ve dug for a short period of time, then you come to your senses and realize the cycle you’ve created. If it hurt Zach to watch that cycle within Justin, it sure as hell hurt Alex to see that happened to Zach. He knew Alex was disappointed. 

So that’s when Zach began to lie.

“Guess what Alex! I’m 3 days sober!”   
“Guess what Alex! I’m 8 days sober!”   
“Guess what Alex! I’m 6 weeks sober!” 

It was a fucking lie.  
Why did he lie exactly? It wasn’t to avoid Alex’s help, because that’s really all Zach wanted, but it’s because he didn’t want to take Alex down with him, down into the grave. Alex was happy, he had a future, a relationship with a man who loved him unconditionally, a supporting family; where did Zach fit in this equation? Absolutely nowhere. 

Zach was nothing but a black hole.   
An unimportant piece of the puzzle that was only meant to throw off the main picture.   
A disappointment. A disgrace. 

He had disappointed his entire family, probably his father as well. His mother couldn’t even stand to look at him, and his sister yelled at him to stop drinking. Everywhere he went he could hear Justin’s voice telling him not to go down the same road he did, and just as often heard his dad saying to man up and be the son he wanted. But it was all too much for Zach. It was too late. Yeah, he had gone to college and had a somewhat stable future ahead, but how can you be successful in those things when you don’t even know yourself. 

Zach hated himself for what he’d become. And he hated himself even more for not understanding his own feelings. He didn’t want to bring anyone else down with him, so he had to end it now. Before he did. 

message: from Alex Standall   
Alex: Hey, I know it’s late but I just got in town for Charlie’s game this weekend, If you want we can meet at Monets in the morning? 

Alex fucking Standall.  
Zach was in love with him.   
He wasn’t gay, but; but Alex made him feel like no one had before. The kiss made him feel better than any drug or drink, and it made him feel everything he wanted to feel. Happiness, peace; love. Like an electric shock through his body and mind, one that could only be described as heavenly.

But then he realized it was Alex. His guy best friend, the boy he had practically nursed back to life, the boy he would die for in an instant. 

But also the boy that he didn’t deserve. The boy that if Zach chose to love, would fall into his black hole and come down and become a mess with him.   
Zach was everything toxic. And Charlie, Charlie was everything Alex needed. And it hurt, when jealousy pulsed through Zach when he saw the couple, because maybe if he didn’t fuck up, maybe if he realized he was in love with Alex much much sooner, before he even kissed Charlie, maybe he wouldn’t have been alone right now. But Zach was too late and too messy. He didn’t realize the feelings of confusion the kiss had brought was more than just friendship until prom night. Seeing Charlie and Alex together and Alex not needing his best friend anymore, made Zach realize everything. He loved the boy, but didn’t deserve him, especially when he wasn’t even sure if he was gay. Feelings were confusing to Zach, but he knew no one should have to deal with him anymore.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he began to step off the ledge. This black hole, it needed to be gone before he dragged anyone else down. 

Message to Alex   
Zach: I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. I love you Alex.   
Zach: tell May to be strong for mom, tell her to be everything I wasn’t. 

He turned his phone off, and began to walk towards the edge. He didn’t know how much time was passed. But, he began to come closer and closer to the edge.   
“I’m sorry dad, Justin, and Hannah. I should be living the life you couldn’t, but I can’t bring myself to try any longer.” He could almost feel their presence in the back of his head, telling him not to do what he was about to do.

But he off the ledge. There was no Alex to save him now.


	2. I Still Need You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll never forget the feeling of your hands grabbing me, keeping me safe”

Alex had just gotten off FaceTime with Charlie, who rambled about how much he had missed him during the last football game and how little they’ve spoken over the last few weeks. Alex was excited to see his boyfriend yes, but he felt bad in a way. It was almost like Alex could not match his energy or love and affection, almost like he didn’t reciprocate the same love Charlie gave him. He did love Charlie, but something was missing. And he didn’t know what it was. But Charlie was so good to him it left Alex with almost no time to think about that missing piece. When he hung up with Charlie and looked up at his ceiling in his parents home; He thought about the feeling of missing something, and it had been a while since he’d done so. It was hard to explain, but now maybe since he was in town for winter break, he could finally talk to someone other than the busy Jessica Davis about this missing piece. 

So he texted Zach.   
Zach may have been unstable, but recent texts between the two have shown that Zach has gotten better. 

“Hey Alex! I’m 2 Months sober!

Alex smiled at that text. He may have loved Zach at one point, but now it was about being there for his best friend and biggest supporter. 

But something still stirred inside him whenever Zach looked him in the eye. He couldn’t explain it. It was like the whole world just stopped spinning and there Alex was, kissing Zach on the rooftop once again. He wouldn’t say he was still in love with Zach, but Zach refused to leave his mind.

But there was no way he could be that missing piece right? No, it was something with Charlie, the only boy he really loved. 

He looked down at his phone and smiled at Zachs text notification, of course he always replied quickly. 

Zach: I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. I love you Alex   
Zach: Tell May to stay strong for mom, and be everything I wasn’t.

The smile was quickly erased from his face as he read the texts and his heart dropped to his stomach. He ran out the door as fast as possible and somehow knew exactly where to go. He didn’t know how or why, but he knew exactly where Zach was. He ran there and almost threw up at the sight of Zach standing on the edge, this time looking straight down at the road below. Zach couldn’t die. Not like this.

________

Zach closed his eyes and prepared to hit the ground, prepared to die. 

“FUCKING DEMPSEY!” 

But something stopped him.   
Two hands grabbed his waist with an immense amount of strength, pulling him back like he had never felt before. He tried to fight off this attacker, but whoever it was had more strength than he could ever have. The person pulled him down and tackled him to the floor, hovering over him and panting heavily. Through tear stained vision, Zach screamed, “LET ME GO! FUCK! I NEED TO!” And soon he gave up, letting out a cry in defeat and sobbing loudly. He looked up at the man who had saved him, and stopped resisting when he realized who it was.

It was Alex Standall.   
Alex didn’t say anything, but instead lifted Zach up and embraced him, letting Zach cry into his arms. It was something Alex wouldn’t have normally done, but it was something he knew his friend needed. After a few minutes of silence. They seperated. 

And Alex smacked Zach across the face.   
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME ZACH!? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU! WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!?” He screamed through tears, Zach not even daring to make eye contact with him. 

“Maybe because I have to leave you in order for you to be able to live.” Zach said quietly, his voice still breaking.

“Don’t you understand Dempsey? I can’t live without you. After everything you’ve done for me, you expect me to just let you go?” Alex said, letting tears roll down his cheeks. “Don’t you realize I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you fell. Don’t you realize it was selfish of you to want to leave me and your sister and our friends without you.” 

“You don’t need me. No one does. I’m doing nothing but damaging your life!” Zach said, still not looking Alex in the eyes. 

Alex grabbed his face, forcing him to look at the other boy. Zach swallowed and he tried to turn away. “Zach. Look at me. I fucking need you. You are the most important fucking thing that ever happened to me. You were there to save my life so many times. Why won’t you let me save yours?” 

“I wouldn’t have had to save your life If you didn’t follow my actions. The boat, the roof, all that shit happened because I led you down my black hole shit. What if one day comes and- and I won’t be able to save you. You don’t deserve that.” He said, letting more tears spill. 

“You are worth so much more Zach. Please. You deserve to live. Free of this fucking bullshit, we all do. But you don’t understand how important you are to me. I stay with you and follow you because I LOVE you Zach. You are my best friend.” Alex stammered. 

“I fucking lied to you about drinking. As I’m sure you know now. I’ve fucked my whole life up now, I don’t think I can go back. You deserve Charlie. Stay with him. He’s better for you. He was everything I should have and could have been. He’s good to you. He won’t lead you down a dark fucking path like me.” Zach said, his voice breaking once again at the thought of Charlie. He didn’t know how he felt about Alex exactly, but he knew he wasn’t good for Alex. 

“Fuck you Zach. If you die, I’ll die with you. You’re not going fucking anywhere. You hear me? Justin and Hannah, they are so fucking disappointed in you. You need to start thinking about how to LIVE again, but how to die. You don’t know it, but you were the one that kept me going after I shot myself in my head, you were the one who understood me like no one else, you were the only reason I kept fighting and didn’t attempt to kill myself again, YOU made me feel like I should live to fight another day. That is the Zach Dempsey I know, and I know you have it in you to keep going.”

And for some reason, those words hit Zach like a grenade of feelings and he broke down in sobs once again. 

“You really think I deserve to live? Do you really believe I have a chance to get myself out of my head?” Zach said smashing a beer bottle on the floor, causing blood to spill on his hand. 

Alex grabbed his injured hand and pressed it against his own, and once again hugged Zach. 

“Yes. I don’t care what it takes, but you are going to live again.”

The two stood there and hugged for what seemed like eternity, and quietly through sobs Zach whispered underneath his breath, so that not even Alex could hear; the small and simple phrase that kept him going 

“I love you.”


	3. The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex attends Charlie’s football game but can’t take his eyes off the coach.

“SHIT!”  
Zach clamored out of Alex’s living room couch, trying his best not to wake the smaller boy. It was 7:00 am and Zach had to coach the team, as well as attend some classes on his college campus. He didn’t remember how exactly he ended up with a cut hand and on Alex’s couch; with Alex probably way too close to him, but he had to leave now. Pulling on his T-shirt from last night he stumbled into the Standalls kitchen. He greeted Mr. Standall, who handed him some aspirin for the hangover, and hurried out the door to get to practice. 

“Alright. Give me one more play Charlie; then everyone meet in the lockeroom I want to talk about the game tonight.” “YESSIR!” The football team shouted, before rushing out to the field. They began to play as Coach Kerba came to Zachs side. “You’re good at coaching ya know. I haven’t had a good assistant coach like you in too long.” He said, looking over at the boys. “Yeah. I try. Some of these guys don’t take me seriously considering I’m only a year older than them, but once I get them doing extra laps it gets them to shut up.” Zach replied with a laugh. “How- Hows the road to soberity going. Not to be rude but you seem a little hungover today.” Zach sighed, the events of last night blurring his vision with tears. “Yeah..yeah.. i fucked up. Sorry coach.” Kerba patted him on the back. “Happens to the best of us. Do something tonight for me though, prove your future, prove your soberity out there to those boys. Show them a good team and a good coach.” 

“Hey, Zach- I mean- Coach.”   
“It’s fine Charlie.” Zach said laughing. “I think your the only man on this team who has the right to call me by my name.” Charlie laughed at the comment, then paused when he stared at Zachs hand. “What’s up with your hand?” He said, poking at it. “U-um nothing. I- I slammed it- against- my car door.” Charlie raised his eyebrows in disbelief and sighed. “Have you talked to Alex? He hasn’t answered me since last night. I assumed he fell asleep or something.” He asked. “Yea- Yeah I spoke with him last night for a while. I ran into him when I was out, I think he just went to bed. Anyways, he’ll be there tonight Mr. quarterback!” Charlie began to run off with the rest of the boys, but not before turning around and frowning. “I won’t tell him. I won’t tell him your still drinking. I know, I know you are. I can tell but, I also know you don’t want to let him down.” Zach looked down, tears clouding his eyes again as he rememberd the night he went to see Justin before he died.It was all a blur, but the same thought came into their minds. Alex. And how he said he’d never forget that feeling of being in his arms. A part of Zach wanted that moment to happen forever; but now he was in someone else’s arms. Zach was not only much too late, but still wasn’t even sure what he wanted. 

“Ok well make sure you send Zach some with some of the pasta too, I’m not sure if that boy knows how to cook for himself half the time.” Mr. Standall laughed. “Yeah, I worry about him sometimes too.” Alex said, rolling his eyes and smiling. “Son, I know it’s really none of my business; but how..how are you and Charlie.” He asked, looking a little too curious. “We’re...good. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks because of college, but, we’re doing good, you know for being long distance.” Mr. Standall nodded and cleared his throat. “Why. Is there something on your mind about it?” Alex asked, knowing his father all too well. “Well son- I- I saw you- um .. cuddling Zach yesterday. I was just curious is all.” Alex’s eyes widened, barley remembering that in the fuzz of the nights events. “W-we, we what??” Mr. Standall laughed, pulling out his phone to show him some pictures his mom had taken. And sure enough, there was Zach holding Alex by the waist and Alex burying his head in the crook of Zachs shoulder. They were both smiling in their sleep and their hands were placed together on Zachs shirtless chest. Alex blushed very hard. “You better tell mom to delete that picture, it’s not what it looks like. Zach is straight- and- and I have Charlie I wouldn’t-.” Mr. Standall laughed again and walked off. “I know, I’m just giving you a hard time.” Mrs. Standall decided to join in. “Oh stop teasing honey, we all know Zach was our baby’s first little crush.” Alex’s blush intensified. “N-no mom! I- Zach isnt- and I don’t-.” He stuttered. She ran by him kissing his cheek, “whatever you say, hun. Give Charlie a hello from me, and tell your boys to break a leg out there!” She said, winking and heading out the door. “Not funny!!” Alex shouted, still a blushing mess. Why the hell did he still get nervous over Zach? There was absolutely no reason to; it was just teasing, right? 

“BABE!” Alex turned around to be practically tackled by a mass of Charlie, football pads and all on. “Fuck! You asshole you scared me!” He said smiling and giving his boyfriend a kiss. “I missed you Alex.” Charlie murmured, grabbing him by the waist and kissing him again. “Are you gonna win for me tonight?” Alex said, smiling and wrapping his arms around Charlie’s neck. “Mm well, what’s the prize.” He said, with a wink. “Shut up.” He said, giggling. “Seriously though, after the game tonight I want to show you something. I made it just for you; for us.” The two kissed again, this time escalating it into a small make out session. The sound of a deep voice being cleared interrupted. “Sorry to ruin your reunion Romeo and Juliet, but Charlie has his first play in 3 minutes.” Zach said, his eyes wide, but seemingly sad. “Aye aye captain.” He said, unlinking his hands from his boyfriend and running off. “So, how does it feel to boss around my boyfriend all the time?” Alex asked Zach, walking with him towards the sidelines. “Pretty good, I get to punish him for taking away Zach and Alex time.” Zach said sarcastically (or truthfully maybe). “Hey, speaking of, I want to take you to this super cool place on campus where-.” Alex stopped him in his tracks before he could finish. “Stop acting like last night didn’t happen. I can tell you’re thinking about it still.” Zach swallowed a lump in his throat and looked down at Alex. “Y-Yeah. I never got to properly thank you- you saved my life.” He said. “Hey, you saved my life more than I can count. But still, don’t forget I’m always here to save you. Whatever you want to talk about, whatever you need. I’m always going to be here for you.” “C-can I- hug you?” Zach stammered, his eyes getting teary again. Alex smiled and engulfed him in a hug that seemed to stop time in itself. “I’m sorry for disappointing you. I really am.” Zach said. “There’s so much- there’s so much I want to tell you- but I can’t- I cant form it into words yet.” Alex sighed and began to sway him in their embrace. “You can tell me whatever you want when you’re ready. Just please, don’t fucking drink anymore. You promise?” They broke the hug and Zach wiped his eyes. “I swear to you on my life, Alex Standall.” He whispered. “Good, now go and win that game for me.” He said cupping Zachs head in his hands and smiling. Zach stared back at him, and suddenly got a ginormous urge to kiss his best friend. Suddenly he understood what Alex meant by kissing him in “the heat of the moment” because here Zach was, a straight male, wanting to kiss his best friends lips and hold him forever. They stood frozen there for a bit in their thoughts, Zach thinking about how he was overthinking it and was just trying to express his thanks to Alex similar to the other night on the rooftop, and Alex beginning to panic at the fact their faces where inches apart. Their faces got closer, and closer and closer, and-

“HEY CRIPPLES!”   
A voice called out from behind them. They were broken from the trance to see Jessica Davis standing and waving enthusiastically with a megaphone in her hand. “GUESS WHOS THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER FOR TONIGHTS HALFTIME!” She shouted into the megaphone. “Damn, shut that thing off Jessica, you’re blowing out my eyedrums even more than you have over the past few years!” Alex said, smiling. The two ran over to hug her and say hello, and she explained how she was there for the weekend. “Also, I um, wanted to visit..to visit Justin.. he would have turned 19 tomorrow.” She said looking down at the ground again. The trio went silent and sighed at the mention of Justin’s name, but Jessica cleared her throat. “Glad you came into town though Alex, Clay and a few others are supposed to come down as well! We should meet, but for now....” she said, grabbing Zachs arm and leading him off. “I believe we have business at this homecoming game of ours!” 

What could Zach mean by stuff to tell him?  
What was possibly so confusing that Zach couldn’t make out to tell Alex?   
What did he mean by that?   
Alex stared out a Zachs athletic build running along the sidelines and cheering on a guy running the football into the touchdown zone. The moon reflected perfectly on him, and Zach looked ever so concentrated and happy. It was rare to see him so passionate about something.  
“CHARLIE ST. GEORGE RUNS IN AND SCORES! THIS BRINGS THE OVERTIME GAME INTO FINISH WITH LIBERTY HIGH ON TOP!” Jessica screamed through the Megaphone, causing everyone to cheer and chant Charlie’s name. The football team surrounded him and lifted him up on the sidelines, only pausing to spill a gallon of Gatorade on Coach Kerba and Zach. Alex smiled at Zachs reaction, letting his eyes meet Zachs in the crowd. Once again , time stopped, but their gaze at eachother ended when Charlie came clamoring up the bleachers and collapsed into Alex’s arms. “I told you I’d win!” He said, kissing him. “Yeah, we get it, your’e the star player. Now take me to see that place you were rambling about earlier.” 

“Hey; Zach.”   
Zach turned around from cleaning the bleachers to meet Jessica. “Hey. What’s up.” Jessica cleared her throat and smiled. “I don’t think clays going to make it in time, so I was wondering, if you wanted to come with me tommorow, you know, to the c-cemetery.” Zach sighed and frowned. “You- you don’t have to- of course.” Zach nodded at her words and smiled. “No, I want to go. I miss him- and there’s- things I want to say.” He said. She smiled back at him. “Good. Afterwards we can go to Monets. There’s something- something’s- I want to ask you about.” She said, and Zach could have sworn she looked over and Alex and Charlie for a second, who were holding hands and walking off the field. He wondered why she looked at them in the way she did. Almost like she knew something. And to Zach, that was extremely unsettling. “Um. Sure?” 

Zach stayed behind thinking about what Jessica seemed to know and why she had that look on her face. “Hey, old friend, may I ask you some questions about the game for the Newspaper?” Zach turned on his heels to meet an all too firmilar face. Winston Williams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey I know this might seem kinda slow but it’s a realistic slowburn and I’m planning to continue this with more chapters and tie in Estela, Winston, Chole and some other characters but obviously the main stuff is gonna be zalexxx. I barley started reading fanfics on here and I realized some are a little similar but I promise I didn’t copy lol this is my original storyline and stuff. Anyways gn zalex nation follow my twitter @xepherszalex 🖤

**Author's Note:**

> TBC!!! sorry there was no true zalex in this chapter, this was to dive into Zachs emotions as I feel in the show they were left very unclear.


End file.
